I am forever telling people (including myself) to be a little friendlier to themselves in times of stress.

What does that mean? When I say friendliness, kindness or compassion, I am not talking about some vague, spiritual shouldism of how to behave. I mean our innate, natural human response to any being in pain (yelping puppy, crying child), the organic heart-sense we offer freely to anyone who needs it, except, usually, us!

We don’t have to invent kindness, learn it, or even think about it much. All we really need is get out of our own way. With a little intention, practice, and an adjustment in our field of vision, we can include ourselves in our own natural circles of kindness.

How it works:
When we begin to have awareness of how we cause ourselves problems – through ways we act or think, or beliefs we hold – many of us come down hard on ourselves. We tell ourselves we shouldn’t do that or think that or feel that. We object to whatever we have noticed. This awareness is tender, a hidden part of ourselves we are just beginning to communicate with. A harsh response is only going to send our awareness scurrying away. It won’t heal the pain, and it won’t “cure” the behavior (thought pattern, feeling…). If we are trying to understand something about ourselves, we won’t get there through being mean. If we berate ourselves, we resort to mindlessness to manage the pain and fear of berating ourselves, and we don’t get any further with our investigation. We become our own least cooperative witness.
True mindfulness – the path to developing deeper relationships with ourselves and others, healing our pain and enjoying our lives – requires us to meld awareness with compassion. Otherwise we are just grimly staring ourselves down.

What to do?

• Take a step back from what you discover about yourself. Let it be simply information. You are not your thoughts, you are not your behavior.
• Meet everything about yourself with kindness, and a friendly curiosity. Ask yourself, “How does this work?” rather than “Why the heck did I do that?”
• Consider how you would speak to a friend having a hard time, or a small child who fell and skinned her knee: There, there, it will be okay. Let this be your mantra.
• Set your intention to befriend yourself no matter what. Befriend even the harsh voice that says you’re not doing it right, you’re supposed to befriend yourself, you idiot! That voice really needs love!

Why bother?
If we keep berating ourselves for our feelings and thoughts, we will keep hiding from ourselves. Hiding increases our feelings of isolation, loneliness, depression, and anxiety. It is unnecessary to suffer this way. If we show ourselves kindness, we blossom. Connecting with ourselves connects us to the world at large, which could use more kindness and connection.

As we go, so goes the world.
When we stop judging ourselves, even for a moment, the possibility of happiness arises. Our hearts begin to open. Acceptance of ourselves, as we find ourselves to be in each moment, is the kindest gift we can bring. It is all we want, after all, and all we really, truly need.

Maitri, Yourtri, We all yearn for Maitri

Dear Ones,

If you are feeling stressed by upheavals in the world, if the season brings on old unwanted feelings, or if proximity to family members is hard for you, perhaps this will help. Being kind to ourselves and practicing maitri can help when we are triggered into old habits we’d rather not act out.

Very early, even as babies, we figure out strategies to keep us safe and alive in the face of threats to our wellbeing. Strategies vary, but eventually harden into habitual patterns of defense. We learned to shut up and shut down, disappear, get big and loud, go to anger, entertain, walk on eggshells, lose our boundaries, deny our feelings, and become excessively vigilant for subtle changes in people around us. How we react to stress indicates our survival strategies.

Unfortunately, at some point the strategies that kept us safe begin to backfire. We find we don’t handle stress well, and our lives begin to feel unworkable. Friends, lovers and bosses complain about our behaviors, and we have trouble feeling happy, safe and connected with ourselves and others.

We try to get rid of these behaviors, rejecting them and attempting to force ourselves to react differently. This only increases our stress and sense of being attacked. We respond with – surprise! – more of our habitual survival patterns. What else can we do?

Since these patterns developed in order to protect us, any attempt to destroy them will be met with resistance. Our deepest allegiance is with survival, so it is impossible to alter these habits by force. Think about it – would you pass through a door more easily if it was opened for you with kindness, or if someone tried to shove you out from behind? These are survival patterns; any aggression towards them will be perceived (rightly) as a threat, and will only reinforce them.

The only effective path to resolving old problematic habitual patterns is a path of loving kindness, friendliness and appreciation. After all, these patterns kept us alive. We are living proof of their effectiveness. If they were going to leave easily, they wouldn’t have been much use to us, would they? They deserve more than a shove out the door.

Even small events can trigger these habits. Triggered means we are suddenly acting out of an old pattern, beyond our control. When we are triggered, it is virtually impossible to change paths in midstream. However, if we practice unconditional, nonjudgmental friendliness toward ourselves on a regular basis, we become more able to resolve our triggered moments, and possibly have fewer of them.

Maitri Practice

Maitri (“my tree”) is a Sanskrit word meaning “unconditional friendliness towards self which radiates out to others.” Practicing maitri is an antidote for habitual self-hatred and fear.

Settle into a comfortable place where you will not be interrupted for 5-10 minutes and close your eyes.

To begin, imagine or recall a time when you were hurt or upset and someone showed you kindness, and cared for you in a way that was helpful. Maybe they picked you up when you scraped your knee, or hugged you when you were lonely or gave you direction when you were lost. If you can’t recall a time, imagine what it would be like. What thoughts and feelings accompany this experience? What body sensations? What other sense impressions do you get: smells, sounds, visuals? Relax into the experience of receiving for a few minutes.

Next, recall or imagine a time when you showed compassion for another, a human or an animal, who was hurt or upset. How did you feel in your body? What thoughts or emotions did you experience? Let yourself deeply touch this experience of sending out kindness, and settle into it for a few minutes.

Now, complete the circle by both sending and receiving loving-kindness, compassion, maitri with yourself. Let yourself take it in and offer it to yourself unconditionally. You don’t have to need it, or think you deserve it, or feel any particular way about it. Just let it flow through you, breathing in compassion, breathing out compassion, breathing in kindness, breathing out kindness, breathing in maitri, breathing out maitri. Notice thoughts, feelings and body sensations without judging or attaching to them. Stay with it for a few minutes.

To end, simply rest in a natural manner, spacious and peaceful. Repeat daily.

One of the most interesting side-effects of this practice is that we actually become more relaxed and comfortable human beings, able to express love and genuine compassion for others spontaneously and with ease. Isn’t this what we’ve been trying to accomplish all along?